There’s a good possibility that you share some of your values with your partner because you fell in love. It’s crucial to ensure that your shared values are the ones that will guide you through a happy marriage. Paulette Sherman, Psy.D., a psychologist who is also the author of Dating From The Inside Out, says that having shared values in a relationship can make a difference because it shows what matters to us. Because you have similar values, it can help things run smoothly. These are the top values experts recommend that you and your partner agree on.
Trust
Dr. Sherman says that trusting your partner and trusting your partner is the foundation on which you will build your relationship. She says trust creates a safe place to rely on one another and is what will keep your relationships strong through good and bad times. Couples counseling is a good option if trust is lacking. This will help you identify the source of the mistrust and work out the solutions.
Time
While we all have our moments of busy, you and your partner need to agree on how much time each should spend together on a daily basis, weekly, or monthly basis. According to Laura F. Dabney M.D., a relationship psychiatrist, “Many couples think they can get their time back “when things settle down.” But the truth is that your lives will only get busier over the years. You can have the time and space you need to discuss things that are not obvious so they don’t explode.
Money
This is why it’s the most debated topic in a marriage. It’s not easy to discuss. Although there will be disagreements about finances, it is important to agree on how you spend your money and how you save. Dr. Sherman encourages couples to make time for each other to talk about how they can co-exist in spending. She says that sometimes both spouses can pay their bills together, save together, and have the discretionary income to spend what they want. While it is okay to do what works for you, having a plan can help avoid problems from ever happening.
Work ethics
You may have been together for a while and already have a good sense of your partner’s work ethic. If not, it is important to align your priorities. Dr. Sherman says that it can be problematic if two people have different priorities when working on the same project. When both people value work, they can understand one another and support each other’s goals. But when their values differ, they must compromise.
Planning for Families
Talking about your family plans is essential if you and your partner want to share the rest of your lives together. It involves discussing when and how many children you want to have, as well as how you intend to raise them. Many couples have children and are surprised to find out that their spouses are not on the same page about how to parent. says Dr. Dabney. Dr. Dabney says, “Talking with your spouse or partner about your childhood and what is and doesn’t fit is a great first step to aligning on parenting values.”
Extended Family Involvement
Dr. Dabney says that how much you care about your family is an important aspect of aligning. She warns that if you don’t align, you could feel frustrated, exhausted, or guilty about having “choose” between your spouse or other family members. She says, “Questions like how will your parents fit into our lives after we get married or have children are a great start.” It’s worth discussing topics like gift giving, loaning money, and who you spend major holidays.
